Shut Up and Listen to Survivors

You were not there when I was eleven years’ old

And a friend forced me to give him oral sex,

You were not there when I was choking and crying

You were not there when he forced himself on top

Of me and did not care that I was crying.

You were not there when he threatened me to kill me and my family if I told,

You were not there when I was told to just forget about it and move on

You were not there when two men raped me in a dorm room

at the University I attended,

You were not there when a female police officer looked at

Me and told me that I deserved what they did because

I was drinking underage and the two men had

Every right to rape me,

You were not there when I went upstairs

And wanted to jump off of the building but

The stairs were blocked with a locked gate

You were not there when I broke down and

Sobbed and sobbed

You were not there when everything I ate was vomited back up,

You were not there when a friend took

Me in the bathroom and raped me

You were not there when my friend looked

Right me and told me that her friend would never do a thing like that,

You were not there when I fell apart and

Started drinking more and more

because I wanted the pain to stop,

You were not there the day

When he forced himself on top of me

You were not there the night

When he waited

for me to pass out

From drinking too much,

You were not there when he

Took what I did not consent to

You were not there when I had the rape kit

Done and the stupid male officer forgot to

Cut hairs and had to come back in to cut hairs

You were not there when I talked to the police

You were not there when I was told that

it was my fault by chain of command

You were not there when command had safety stand down

And I could not sit in the room because it was very triggering.

I kept on getting up and going out into hallway

Then a Chief followed me and told me that I had

To sit in there and listen to this.

They were blaming me for being raped twice.

You were not there when I fell apart.

You were not there when

Senior Chief said to me,

"We believe you but there

is nothing that we can do

About this. Promise me that

you will go to counseling. "

You were not there when Chief called me a liar and

Would not let me leave the ship to go to counseling

I had appointment at rape crisis center and had

Appointment card in my hand and he still called me a liar.

You were not there when I started to cut my arm and

Burned my arm.

You were not there when I

started to have flashbacks, nightmares

And wanted to kill myself

You were not there when

Chief started telling me that I

Was fat and that I was nothing

more than a walking mattress

That deserved to be raped.

You were not on deployment

and had no one to talk to.

You were not told that you are

going to talk to a male about being raped

You were not there when I told

chain of command there was no

Way in hell that I would talk

about being raped with a man

You were not there when

the chain of command would do

Nothing about my knee and

called me a liar about that too.

You were not there when the

chain of command sent me to

Anger management classes with

men that abuse their wife’s

You were not there when I was

discharged because I had gained

Weight because of Post-Traumatic Stress

and the problem with me knee.

You were not there when Istarted going to

the VA for therapy and fell apart during EMDR.

You were not there when the

bastard that raped me sent me

An email straight up admitting to

it and they still did nothing

You were not

here when I got call

from Special Agent saying,

"We do not care what he

admitted to. We have to investigate you

And know who all you slept with

and about any other sexual assaults."

You were not here when I threw

phone across the room and fell apart.

You were not here when that

destroyed me and I wanted to die

You were not here when I

was triggered by the way a woman

Came at me and I got

into fight or freeze.

You were not there when I lost

my job because of Post-Traumatic Stress.

You were there when I went to an

intensive 15-day retreat center

You were not here when I cut my,

thighs over 40 times because I hated

Myself and wished that the bastard that had raped me

had killed me.

You were not here when I lost three

jobs because of Post-Traumatic Stress

You ignore what we survivors have told you over

and over again and you only listen to the

damn brass that have everything to lose.

Then you ignore survivors of university rape,

childhood rape, and do nothing

About human trafficking.

You were not raped so how in

the hell do you

know what it is like?

How you do know what the

chain of command does

and does not do?

You have not been raped, so

shut up and listen to survivors

That know firsthand what

it is to be raped,

betrayed, thrown away,

Have life destroyed.

You have not been in my shoes.

So sit down, shut

the hell up and listen

to what I have told

you and other survivors.

My life has been changed forever.

I cannot just forget it.

I do not want to hear a damn

thing from you until you

Know what it is like to be raped

and have your life destroyed.

You do not know what it is like

to live with Post

Traumatic Stress

You do not know what I go thru

each and every day to just function.

You have not

had to pay thousands

of dollars for therapy

after you were raped

Why should I have to pay for

therapy when I did not rape myself?

#truestory #poetry #CSA #universityrape #MST #PTSD #Depression #selfharm #suicidalthoughts #thebouldersinmylifethathshapedmyjourney #listentosurvivors #believesurvivors #compassion #fighter #peacefulwarrior #courage #brave #strength #grief #anger #rage #Veteran