- Author Honey Badger
Pelvic Examination
How I have avoided you,
How I do not feel connected to you,
How I want nothing to do with you,
How I want no one to touch you,
This past year, you have
let me know you are there,
I went to the emergency room
to get my ankle taken care of
Next thing I know is the nurse practitioner
is talking to me about having a pap smear,
I tell her there is no way in hell,
I tell her that pap smears are very triggering to me,
She makes light of this and makes
a joke about what I am saying,
I get very angry and again tell her there is no way,
As I walk out of the room, she tells me to
think about making an appointment,
I kick around the thought of making an appointment,
I call and make an appointment with the VA,
I talk to a couple of my friends and tell them
that I have not had a pap smear for five years,
They tell me to advocate for myself,
Call and talk to the nurse practitioner telling her
that I am a survivor of multiple sexual assaults,
I thought that she heard me,
I thought that she had listened to me
and that we were on the same page,
I asked for anti-anxiety medication beforehand,
She tells me no,
I am very scared,
As the examination goes on, I stop breathing,
I turn red,
I stop breathing and the nurse has to tell me to breathe,
I get a massive headache,
I am in tears.
After the examination, they take
my blood pressure it’s 154/115
I cannot stand being at the
women’s health clinic any more,
I hurry up and leave,
The rest of the day I am crying and shaking,
During the night, I am having nightmares
and flashbacks to when I was raped,
The following morning, I call the
VA to ask to talk the RN,
She tells me that what
happened the previous day was
A body memory,
No shit!!!
I knew this would happen and I told you my truth,
I asked for an anti-anxiety medication beforehand,
I asked to be listened to but you choose to
ignore the fact that I told you that
I had been raped six times and that this
examination would trigger all of the memories.
You did not believe what I was telling you,
And know all of the sudden you pretend that you care by
Giving me a prescription for the medication that I asked for.
What the hell is wrong with you?
Why would I lie to you about being raped six times?
Why do you not listen to a survivor who is telling you her truth?
Why did you not believe me?
Why wait for me to have a body response
for you to see that I am telling the truth?
Hell, if you had bothered to read my chart you
would have seen that I am and have been
am service connected for PTSD due to Military Sexual Trauma,
I am a survivor of childhood rape and university rape,
All of which I told you when I
called and spoke to you before the examination.
All you did was caused another trauma, by not listening,
Not believing when I told you
And now you pretend that you care by
providing a medication and putting in a
consult for therapy and talk me down from wanting to kill myself
Listen to survivors,
Believe Survivors,
Be there
