Pelvic Examination

How I have avoided you,

How I do not feel connected to you,

How I want nothing to do with you,

How I want no one to touch you,

This past year, you have

let me know you are there,

I went to the emergency room

to get my ankle taken care of

Next thing I know is the nurse practitioner

is talking to me about having a pap smear,

I tell her there is no way in hell,

I tell her that pap smears are very triggering to me,

She makes light of this and makes

a joke about what I am saying,

I get very angry and again tell her there is no way,

As I walk out of the room, she tells me to

think about making an appointment,

I kick around the thought of making an appointment,

I call and make an appointment with the VA,

I talk to a couple of my friends and tell them

that I have not had a pap smear for five years,

They tell me to advocate for myself,

Call and talk to the nurse practitioner telling her

that I am a survivor of multiple sexual assaults,

I thought that she heard me,

I thought that she had listened to me

and that we were on the same page,

I asked for anti-anxiety medication beforehand,

She tells me no,

I am very scared,

As the examination goes on, I stop breathing,

I turn red,

I stop breathing and the nurse has to tell me to breathe,

I get a massive headache,

I am in tears.

After the examination, they take

my blood pressure it’s 154/115

I cannot stand being at the

women’s health clinic any more,

I hurry up and leave,

The rest of the day I am crying and shaking,

During the night, I am having nightmares

and flashbacks to when I was raped,

The following morning, I call the

VA to ask to talk the RN,

She tells me that what

happened the previous day was

A body memory,

No shit!!!

I knew this would happen and I told you my truth,

I asked for an anti-anxiety medication beforehand,

I asked to be listened to but you choose to

ignore the fact that I told you that

I had been raped six times and that this

examination would trigger all of the memories.

You did not believe what I was telling you,

And know all of the sudden you pretend that you care by

Giving me a prescription for the medication that I asked for.

What the hell is wrong with you?

Why would I lie to you about being raped six times?

Why do you not listen to a survivor who is telling you her truth?

Why did you not believe me?

Why wait for me to have a body response

for you to see that I am telling the truth?

Hell, if you had bothered to read my chart you

would have seen that I am and have been

am service connected for PTSD due to Military Sexual Trauma,

I am a survivor of childhood rape and university rape,

All of which I told you when I

called and spoke to you before the examination.

All you did was caused another trauma, by not listening,

Not believing when I told you

And now you pretend that you care by

providing a medication and putting in a

consult for therapy and talk me down from wanting to kill myself

Listen to survivors,

Believe Survivors,

Be there