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Podcast: Letter to My Reader

Here is a link to my podcast that I just recorded that tells my true story of surviving military sexual trauma. https://anchor.fm/honey-badger/episodes/Letter-to-My-Reader-eahndo #MST #PTSD #retaliation #emotionalabuse #selfharm

PTSD

You are the enemy I fight every single day, You are constantly there, I do my best to keep you at bay, I do not know when you are going to rear your ugly head, I do not know what will happen During the day to cause me to flashbacks and nightmares, I do not know when I will be triggered And get into fight or flight, All I know is that there are times when I am afraid, There are times when I cannot stand noise, There are certain smells, There are times when I cannot stand being

Feeling Unheard

Feeling unheard, Feeling unseen, Feeling disrespected, Was at counseling appointment, Therapist looked at me and told me to Stop writing my poetry and not to talk about being raped. Writing my poetry is the way I get out what I am feeling, I am not good at talking about what happened, I immediately left my body and shutdown, I came home, got my blanket, turned on calming music and started crying. When therapist said that to me, I immediately heard What Ryan said to me, What m

Dissociation

I want to be in my body, I want my body to be my home, I want to feel that my body is safe, I want to be connected to my feelings, But I was taught at 11, 19, 23, 25 that my body is not a safe for me to be, I was taught to disconnect from myself, To float somewhere far away, That was the only way I could survive The pain that they caused. Now as I continue my healing journey, I want my body back, I want to be connected to myself, I want my body to be my home, I want to feel s

Anger, Rage

Discharged from Military since I developed Post Traumatic Stress from being raped, I hurt my knee doing my job, I tried to get care for my knee but was Told over and over again by chain of command, You are lying!! You are faking!! You are not hurt!! Conveniently discharged while rapist is promoted and sent back to another technical school so he can rape over and over again!! Meanwhile, I am discharged and given code of JFT Erroneous enlistment but I have honorable discharge 2

Chronic Knee Pain

Knee Pain please go away, I cannot take this pain anymore, You make doing my job of damage control That much harder and I have trouble running all Over the ship to do my job of a damage control petty officer, You make it hard to run and I cannot run on you, I cannot do exercises on you, You bring tears to my eyes, You make me take over 1,000 milligrams of Motrin, You make me want to stay off you, You make me use a knee brace You make me go to the Medical Department to try to

Feeling Alone

Feeling alone, Made mistake of trying to reach out to advocate, Was told that she did not care, I was just needing someone to listen, Someone to be there, I am on deployment, Stuck on a huge ship, Out in the middle of the ocean, Feeling alone, depressed, There is no one to talk to, No one that cares, I need to talk to someone, But I will not talk to a male about what happened to me at technical school. The Chain of command does not care and retaliates against me The trained a

Why

Why? It’s too hard to understand Too hard to comprehend Too hard to deal with Flashbacks, nightmares,betrayal, rage, Replayed over and over again in mind, Do not understand why you would do this, Why the chain of command protects him? Why the chain of command ruined my career? It’s wrong, you knew what you doing was wrong. You knew that I did not consent to have sex With you and you raped me, You took everything that I believed in, Trust, Safety, Honor, Courage, Commitment Br

Invisible

I am a girl that has experienced hatred from men, Have been told that abuse does Not matter since I am a girl and invisible, Have been told that no matter How loud I scream that no one Is going to hear me. That no one cares about what they Did to me, That abuse is fine, That no one cares about what they did to me, Have been forgotten #Invisible #MST #PTSD #listentosurvivors #believesurvivors #speakyourtruth #feeltoheal

Breakthrough

Thought that I could run away from the pain, Darkness followed me and caused even more pain, Another heinous crime committed against me, More betrayal, More victim blaming, shaming, and feeling lost, Lost in feelings that cut me to the core, Lost in feeling like it was my fault, There are flashbacks, nightmares, fear, self-hatred, I am lost deep inside of myself, You came beside me and helped me know that I am safe, You taught me how to trust someone again, You taught me how

Shut Up and Listen to Survivors

You were not there when I was eleven years’ old And a friend forced me to give him oral sex, You were not there when I was choking and crying You were not there when he forced himself on top Of me and did not care that I was crying. You were not there when he threatened me to kill me and my family if I told, You were not there when I was told to just forget about it and move on You were not there when two men raped me in a dorm room at the University I attended, You were not

Nothing Done

I responded to his email on Navy together we served, Thinking that if I got him to admit to raping me, That they would have to do something about it, He straight up admitted to raping me, He said, “You an ugly woman and I do not know why I even messed with you. Taking a woman is something that I am down with. So you remember how..lol. Called NCIS and asked to speak to special agent, Case was reopened again, None of this mattered to the Special Agent Was told we have to invest